It's a DREAM - the over exposure, I'd suggest, is there to give the image an ethereal feel - I think the idea/concept is apt to the challenge, if anything a stronger even contrastier image may have increased the effect.
I think the image has a great deal of potential... maybe try monotone? or just the slightest hint of colour?.. dunno, just kicking around some thoughts.
Looks a little too overexposed for me. Also, I'd try shooting from a slightly different angle next time (maybe from higher up so that the eyes are a bigger part of the photo).
I'm sure that I'm not the first to comment on the over exposure. Try bumping your film speed to 400 or 800 and slowing the shutter speed down to let in more natural light so you can eliminate the flash.
I'm sure you've heard this many times already, but the harsh lighting and shadows from the on-camera flash really washes this out. Without the flash, using lamps, etc, would have made this much better. Good detail.
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