Your entry looks OOF, simply PP for that alone would have improved your score. Your PP version does look very nice, but I think for a greater improvement in score you might want to look at your composition. It's very difficult to get a centered photo that just looks right. When it doesn't look right people notice, they can't always put their finger on why, but they notice. I think your photo is really begging for an off-centered composition.
Don't fall into the trap that you have to use rules and guidelines, but just remember there is a reason they exist.
eta..
I just saw the comment about her looking uncomfortable, that's a good point...for evidence look at her knees. Probably got all red like that trying to get into position.
good idea but to put your model in the middle with this shot is not a good idea. If you crop on the left (the wall) the photograph would be more Poison Ivy then it's now. do something with the reds on her knees.(clone???) you may use
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