A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it."
"This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and tarted waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was answer her question."
A woman is cheating on her husband, they are in mid coitus when he comes home from work. Thinking quickly she covers him in flour and tells him to stand in the corner and pretend to be a statue. Husband walks in and asks whats with the new statue. She replies that she saw one at her friend Betty Smith's house and really liked it so she went out and got one of her own. He shruggs and says OK.
Hours later, the husband and wife go to bed, "statue" still standing still in the corner. Husband comes down to the kitchen goes to the fridge and gets a beer and a sandwich. He walks buy the statue and puts the food and drink in the guys hands. A bit puzzled, the guy asks why he has offered food. The husband replies, "I stood there for 8 hours at Betty Smith's place and no one gave me shit."
This one is kind of old, but we say it to eachother at my school.
A pharmacist was amused to see a teenage boy glancing shyly down an aisle stocked with condoms. Taking into consideration that the boy was probably embarassed, he walked over and asked him what he was so shy about. The boy replied "Tonight is my first date with my new girlfriend, and I want to make sure I'm safe." The man said "Better safe than sorry." and pulled up a box of condoms for the boy and gave him a bag to put them in. The boy smiled and thanked the man and left.
Later that night the man came home from work and sat down at the table. His daughter had brought her boyfriend Scott over for dinner.
The man lead the family in saying a short prayer.
Scott remained with his head bent down.
Ten minutes went by and Scott was still bent over praying.
Another fifteen went by and the family had mostly finished their meals.
Scott was still praying.
His girlfriend leaned over and said to him "I never knew you were so religious." He replied "I never knew your father was a pharmacist."
