A friend e-mailed this to me. Hope everyone likes it as much as I did.
Thought for today
>
>There is more money being spent on breast
>implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research.
>
>This means that by 2020, there should
>be a large elderly population with
>perky boobs and huge erections and
>absolutely no recollection of what to do
>with them.
...There is more money being spent on breast
>implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research.
>
>This means that by 2020, there should
>be a large elderly population with
>perky boobs and huge erections and
>absolutely no recollection of what to do
>with them.
Actually that's not quite accurate...by 2020 the implants will be located somewhere near navel level...the skin just sags with the implants...:P
A MARRIED MAN GOES INTO THE CONFESSIONAL AND SAYS TO HIS PRIEST
"I HAD AN AFFAIR WITH A WOMAN... ALMOST."
THE PRIEST SAYS, " WHAT DO YOU MEAN ALMOST?"
THE MAN SAYS, " WELL WE GOT UNDRESSED AND RUBBED TOGETHER,
BUT THEN I STOPPED."
THE PRIEST SAYS, " RUBBING TOGETHER IS THE SAME AS PUTTING IT IN.
YOU'RE NOT TO SEE THAT WOMAN AGAIN. FOR YOUR PENANCE, SAY 5 HAIL
MARY'S AND PUT $50. IN THE POOR BOX."
THE MAN LEAVES THE CONFESSIONAL, SAYS HIS PRAYERS, THEN WALKS OVER
TO THE POOR BOX. HE PAUSES FOR A MOMENT AND THEN STARTS TO LEAVE.
THE PRIEST, WHO WAS WATCHING, QUICKLY RUNS OVER TO HIM SAYING, "I
SAW THAT YOU DIDN'T PUT ANY MONEY INTO THE POOR BOX !"
THE MAN REPLIES, " YEAH, BUT I RUBBED THE $50. ON THE BOX, AND
APPARENTLY THAT'S THE SAME AS PUTTING IT IN !"
A neutron walks into a bar and asked the bartender for a beer. The bartender serves the beer. The neutron asks, "How much do I owe you?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge!"
Along the same lines as....
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. One of them says, "Stop!!! I think I lost an electron!!!"
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A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below said, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of absolutely no use to anyone."
The man below said, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
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Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
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One day, an engineer died. He was the kind of engineer that built stuff, like air conditioners. When he died, he went to heaven, and met God. God said, "Hey! You're not on the list. Go to Hell."
So he walked down about 3,945,081 flights of stairs, and met the devil. Satan said, "Okay! Come on in." While in hell, he made all sorts of things, like escalators, air conditioners, etc.
One day, God called the devil and said, "You know that engineer? Well, he is supposed to be up here."
So the devil said, "Are you crazy? I won't give you this guy."
God said, "Well if you don't, I'll sue." The devil replied, "Sue? You can't sue me. You don't have any lawyers up there!"
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Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
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You Might Be an Engineer If (The Short List)
1. You have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
2. You know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
3. You've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
4. It is sunny and 70 degrees outdoors, and you are working on a computer.
5. You know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
6. You think in "math."
7. You have a pet named after a scientist.
8. You laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
9. The Humane Society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.
10. You can translate English into Binary.
11. You are completely addicted to caffeine.
12. The "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
13. You assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.
14. You understood more than five of these indicators.
15. You make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.
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One afternoon, an engineering student was riding across campus on a shiny new bike. He ran into a friend of his, also an engineering major, who said, "Wow! That sure is a great bike. Where did you get it?"
"Well, the darndest thing happened," said the first engineering student. "A girl came riding up to me and got off the bike, threw off all her clothes, and said that I could have anything that I wanted."
"Wow," remarked his friend. "That's great. Good move. Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
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A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leaned over to the Engineer and asked if he wanted to play a fun game. The Engineer just wanted to sleep so he politely declined, turned away and tried to sleep. The Programmer persisted and explained that it was a real easy game. He explained, "I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.
The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay. If you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50!" Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.
Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.
The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.
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Q: How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: None. They are all too busy trying to design the perfect light bulb.
A2: Only the one with the instruction manual.
A3: One. But she would insist that the way she did it was distinctive.
A4: Three. One to hold the ladder, one to hold the light bulb, and the third to interpret the Japanese text.
A5: Five. One to design a nuclear-powered light bulb that never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of the USA using that nuked light bulb, two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the wall switch.
A6: None. "According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist."
An honest man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy
boulevard. Suddenly, the light turns yellow, just in front of him. He does the honest thing , and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have
beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hits the roof, and the horn, reaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she is still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting with her personal effects.
He says, "I'm very sorry for this mistake."
"You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were
blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you,
and cussing a blue streak at him. "
I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder,
the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the
Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper sticker,
and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. "
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her
butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
Two golfers walk up to the tee just as another fellow tees up a brand-new ball, takes a wild swing, and hooks the ball into a lake. He tees up another new ball and proceeds to slice it over the rough, through a fence, and out of bounds.
As he prepares to tee up yet another shiny new ball, one of the other golfers suggests that, since he seems a bit inexperienced at the game, perhaps he should try hitting some used golf balls.
A scientist has developed a bra that stops breasts bouncing and nipples sticking out when it's cold.....his colleagues have just kicked the sh*t out of him
A neutron walks into a bar and asked the bartender for a beer. The bartender serves the beer. The neutron asks, "How much do I owe you?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge!"
excelent
an atom walks into a bar in a really bad mood. The bartender asks "what's the matter?" the atom replies, "I lost an electron." "are you sure?" asks the bartender. the atom sighs "I'm positive."
A man walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender and orders a drink.
After he drinks the drink, he goes up to the roof, jumps off, and walks righ back into the bar moments later and asks for another.
After a few repetitions of this behavior, another man sitting at the bar finally confronts him.
"Sir, please explain to me how this can be so! I've seen you 5 times now, walk in here, take a drink, and then jump off the roof without any problems whatsoever! How can this be?"
"Well, says the first man, you see - when I take this drink, it creates a sort of buoyency in me that when I jump, I sort of just slow down until I gently land on the ground."
Now, the second man is pretty drunk himself by now, so he believes the odd man, and decides he wants to try it. So he orders another drink, goes up to the roof, jumps off, and....splat. Dead.
The 1st man walks back into the bar, and the bartender just looks at him, shakes his head, and says....
"Superman, you're a real bastard when you're drunk."
