Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive
double-pane energy-efficient kind. Yesterday, I got a call from the
contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had
been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.
Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking
sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these
windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo"? (I told him). "It's been
a year"! There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I
finally just hung up.... He hasn't called back, probably too
embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't
underestimate a blonde anymore.
Mama Mole, Papa Mole, and Baby Mole all live in a little hole. One morning Papa Mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air, and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
Then Mama Mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air, and says, "Yum! I smell strawberry jam!"
Then Baby Mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but he can't because Mama and Papa Mole are both in the way.
He whines, "Jeez, all I can smell is molasses!"
This really happened to me! I call this my real-life Readers Digest joke:
I call my doctor's office to make an appointment.
The conversations with receptionist goes like this:
Her: Good Morning, Dr. Spaldings office.
Me: Yes, I'd like to make an appointment for a Pap Smear please.
Her: How do you spell that?
Me: Looking into the receiver of the phone in disbelief! I spell it for her.... "P-A-P S-M-E-A-R !!!?????
Her: One moment please.....
Pause for stupidity...
Her: How about Wednesday at 11 am, Mrs. SMEAR!!!
A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't appear to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guys whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm, soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He say's: "OK, now what?"
Not a Joke But im GOing to Be a Dad... January 15 (around that date) im kinda happy its taking a little bit to sink in... but i hope for a boy. So this will give me a reason to Smoke a Cigar now =) YYiiipppiiiiee =)
Congratulations!!! And ''smoke em while you got em" ha
Originally posted by Givemeashot:
Not a Joke But im GOing to Be a Dad... January 15 (around that date) im kinda happy its taking a little bit to sink in... but i hope for a boy. So this will give me a reason to Smoke a Cigar now =) YYiiipppiiiiee =)
a well known school joke that's a cracker at my school. boy: can I go to the toilet miss?
teacher: yes,but you must say the alphabet.
boy:
ABCDEFG,HIJKLMNO,QRSTUV,W,X,Y and Z
teacher: where's the P?
boy: running down my leg!
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If you're sad about anything, then just ask me and I'll make a joke of it!
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast. If you're the boss, you can go to lunch whenever you want and no one should question you.
If you are eating your lunch inside the office, you are still on company time. No miscellaneous activities can be done by the staff except "for a few selected favorites". They can sleep or not work - that's quite alright since other staff are working OT so they get their productivity time covered.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, and input should be directed elsewhere.
1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. my personal favotite... Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
got this last night and while it may be an oldie, I thought I'd share it.
-------------------------------------------------
LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE
Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increase s when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a carpet are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet.
Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that darn thing on the phone, I'm lost! and need directions!"
An acquaintance of mine whose daughter was about to be married decided to give her a diamond ring that had been in the family for several generations. The stone had never been appraised, so the father asked a gemologist friend if she would take a look at it. She agreed, but said that instead of a fee she'd accept lunch at one of Houston's finer restaurants. A few days later, as he and the gem expert sat sipping a glass of Chablis, he showed her the ring. She took out her jeweler's loupe, examined the diamond carefully and handed it back. "Wow," said a diner who had been watching from the next table. "These Texas women are tough!"
An aerial photographer hired me to fly him to a neighboring community to take pictures of a woman's farm. I assumed he knew the location and we began our flight. Once we got near, I asked him for specific directions. The photographer replied, "the woman said it was easy to find. Just follow the highway west, and the name is on the mailbox."
- submitted to Reader's Digest by Andrew M. Eckstein
I love this thread. Wednesday at work, I spent a good 20 minutes in my supervisor's office "sharing" some of them. We laughed till we cried. The student's thought we were crzay.
